Daring Greatly

How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way we Live, Love, Parent and Lead

Vulnerability is complicated. And it’s excruciating.

“When do you feel the most vulnerable?” “When I’m in fear.”

“When I’m anxious and unsure about how things are going to go, or if I’m having a difficult conversation, or if I’m trying something new or doing something that makes me uncomfortable or opens me up to criticism or judgment.”(101)

So if those things- being uncomfortable or anxious- make us feel vulnerable do we avoid doing them even when we know we should? I think we have opened ourselves to vulnerability over the last three years by doing some stuff in schools that is different, and therefore opens us up to criticism. We were prepared to do that because of a deep conviction of what is better for our students learning. 

But now this book has made me wonder how does this apply to the decisions the kids have to make in their day to day lives?

I felt really vulnerable talking to Tipi last week about reducing his hours because I actually fear him. So what made me do it...the need to step up as a leader...and again that deeply held conviction that he is not the best thing for the students at this school.

By middle school, which is the time when most of us begin to wrestle with vulnerability, I began to develop and hone my vulnerability-avoidance skills.(114)  

So this is the time we need to  help kids wrestle with those concepts so they can open themselves up to vulnerability, because its how they are going to progress and get out of the cycle that they are in. 

Keep everyone at a safe distance and always have an exit strategy. (118)

Ah the story of my adult life!! If you don’t get close to people then you cant be hurt. And if you just leave and blow off friendships and relationships you can’t be hurt. But you also don’t grow. And it took me a lot of years to figure that out. 

And we see our kids doing that now, they close down and they don’t want to attach because they’ve been hurt before. And if we can give them that sense of belonging so its okay to be vulnerable, how much more empathy and curiousness and sociability can they grow at such an important time in their growth.

social work wasn’t about fixing. It was and is all about contextualizing and “leaning in.” Social work is all about leaning into the discomfort of ambiguity and uncertainty, and holding open an empathic space so people can find their own way. In a word—messy. (123)

Probably took me a long time to get this as a teacher. Im not there to fix everything, and while sometimes I could fix it thats not actually going to help these kids grow up into productive citizens. A classroom and the learning process and the growing up process is messy and we have to let it be even if we want to try and tidy it up into neat little lesson and unit plans that fit onto some long term overview. We cant It’s messy.

Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering. (129)

So important in a classroom and going to be even more important in a learning community with more kids than a traditional classroom. Connection strategies will need to be activated for some kids and groups, it wont happen by osmosis. Needs to be a careful part of the start of the year and all the EOTC activities we've planned should help too.

heartbreak, betrayal, and shame—the fear of not being worthy of real connection.

what shame is, how it works, and how we cultivate resilience in the face of believing that we’re not enough—that we’re not worthy of love and belonging.(135)

I have this understanding of shame that I think Im only just understanding, 25 years later. I had a partner who was really emotionally abusive, but I didn't really know that was abuse at the time. 

Made me feel very unworthy of love or belonging for a lot of years. I know that I get that people can do that to other people because Ive been there. I think some people who haven’t seen it don't really get it. They don't get why you don't walk away, how you believe what you are being told about how useless you are. 

And I wonder how much of it I accepted because I had been trained to do things for “guilt” or to avoid “shame” by my mother as a teenager. And she would be horrified to hear that now. But I remember even little things like hating being made to go to church because of what we were made to wear because it would bring “shame” to the family to wear “jandals” to church etc. I remember being made feel like I was ‘dirty’ because when I started wearing bras we were out somewhere and my bra strap kept falling down my arm and that was apparently shameful. Thats actually a lot of crap to put on a 12 year old. She would deny it now but everything was all about image.

So I wonder now, I never stood up for myself as a daughter, or as a partner, I was shamed or guilted into never feeling good enough. And over time that just taught me to shut down, to not allow myself to be vulnerable.

I remember when dad had his stroke and I flew up for a couple of days. When I had to leave to go back to Wellington because I was trying to get things organised to move to TK it was hard because everyone else was still there, and as I said goodbye to everyone and went to get in the car, a tear slipped out and my family were totally shocked because, in their knowledge and interactions with me, i don’t cry. I don't even really show emotion. They all rang me that night to see if I was ok!

It’s why they had me do all the speaking stuff at my grandparents funerals and why they’ve always said I'd do them at mum and dads. 

But my reality is I can get upset and emotional about lots of things in some settings. And the people I work with, at least the ones that know me well, know that.

See I spent most of my adult life making myself not be vulnerable around my family and thats probably affected my relationships with them all this time, even though we all think we are quite close.

But I’ve always tried to do things differently in a classroom. I had this innate vision and belief that it needed to be done differently and I did stand up for that. 

And I did things differently as a parent too. Im not really sure why because so much of the time teachers seem to model themselves on how they were taught, and parents model themselves on how they were parented.  

And while I couldn't be vulnerable as a person, I could as a teacher and parent. Maybe because as trite as it sounds- the quote goes- Kids aren't a distraction from more important work...they are the most important work?!!

what do the people who are most resilient to shame, who believe in their worthiness—I call these people the Wholehearted—have in common?”(137)

Cultivating Authenticity: 

Letting Go of What People Think 

Cultivating Self-Compassion: 

Letting Go of Perfectionism 

Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: 

Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness 

Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: 

Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark 

Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: 

Letting Go of the Need for Certainty 

Cultivating Creativity: 

Letting Go of Comparison 

Cultivating Play and Rest: 

Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth Cultivating Calm and Stillness: 

Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle 

Cultivating Meaningful Work: 

Letting Go of Self-Doubt and “Supposed To” 

Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: 

Letting Go of Being Cool and “Always in Control” (142)

Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging (156)

Just imagine what a better world it would be for all these kids if thats the belief they can have in themselves by the end of the year. 
Forget writing, and maths and NCEA. Imagine being able to think that about themselves.

I’ve only really learnt to do that this year. Imagine if they could hit their adult years saying that to themselves every night.

We’re hardwired for connection—it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The absence of love, belonging, and connection always leads to suffering. If you roughly divide the men and women I’ve interviewed into two groups—those who feel a deep sense of love and belonging, and those who struggle for it—there’s only one variable that separates the groups: Those who feel lovable, who love, and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love and belonging. They don’t have better or easier lives, they don’t have fewer struggles with addiction or depression, and they haven’t survived fewer traumas or bankruptcies or divorces, but in the midst of all of these struggles, they have developed practices that enable them to hold on to the belief that they are worthy of love, belonging, and even joy. A strong belief in our worthiness doesn’t just happen—it’s cultivated when we understand the guideposts as choices and daily practices. The main concern of Wholehearted men and women is living a life defined by courage, compassion, and connection. The Wholehearted identify vulnerability as the catalyst for courage, compassion, and connection. In fact, the willingness to be vulnerable emerged as the single clearest value shared by all of the women and men whom I would describe as Wholehearted. They attribute everything—from their professional success to their marriages to their proudest parenting moments—to their ability to be vulnerable.(160)

Connections- give purpose and meaning to our lives. We need to make that happen in every classroom environment as well as in ourselves outside of school.

You know that feeling when you wake up and everything feels fine until the memory of laying yourself open washes over you and you want to hide under the covers?(198)

I’ve done that way too much in the past. Losing sleep, regrets, replaying things over and over incase I’ve offended someone. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable means things wont always go right, or easy and accepting that allows you a peace and a commitment to life. Ive figured that out this year too! I don't lose sleep over the little things now. In fact I cant remember the last time a school issue actually woke me up in the middle of the night. But in the past I used to wake up and lie awake for hours.

We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but it’s dangerous. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying. 

And that explains so much about some classrooms. I would add sarcasm in there. And look at what results from it. When we use shame to try and control or coerce kids on our classrooms we are actually asking for aggression and bullying. How many times do you even hear teachers at our school say “I’m going to shame him into handing in work, helping others, pulling his head in...” Makes me realise what a long way we still have to go.

“When I feel shame, I’m like a crazy person. I do stuff and say stuff I would normally never do or say.” “Sometimes I just wish I could make other people feel as bad as I do. I just want to lash out and scream at everyone.” “I get desperate when I feel shame. Like I have nowhere to turn—no one to talk to.” “When I feel ashamed, I check out mentally and emotionally. Even with my family.” “Shame makes you feel estranged from the world. I hide.” “One time I stopped to get gas and my credit card was declined. The guy gave me a really hard time. As I pulled out of the station, my three-year-old son started crying. I just started screaming, ‘Shut up … shut up … shut up!’ I was so ashamed about my card. I went nuts. Then I was ashamed that I yelled at my son.”(934)

And if thats an adult, imagine how hard it is for adolescents to handle.

in order to deal with shame, some of us move away by withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves, and keeping secrets. Some of us move toward by seeking to appease and please. And some of us move against by trying to gain power over others, by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame (like sending really mean e-mails).(946)

And we see all those behaviours by our kids, sometimes because they are being shamed by teachers, and often by whanau as well. Look at the way some of them are spoken to y their whanau. I reacted as a teenager and a young adult by seeking to appease and please. I think many of our kids react by being aggressive because its what is modelled for them in their homes. Looka t the vitriolic letters to the editor and facebook comments when we got rid of all the stuff from the college in 2012. Was that some kind of shame or guilt reaction form those parents, taken out on us as aggression?

“Since the mid-1980s an increasing number of studies have focused on the value of expressive writing as a way to bring about healing. The evidence is mounting that the act of writing about traumatic experience for as little as fifteen or twenty minutes a day for three or four days can produce measurable changes in physical and mental health. Emotional writing can also affect people’s sleep habits, work efficiency, and how they connect with others.” (1009)

Classroom-Writing from the Heart books- did them in term 3, didn't in term 4, they were really effective, Im sure they allowed kids like Courtney to get a handle on their feelings and actually alter actions. Figure out a way to manage them and introduce them again next year. I started writing this year- Ive known its power in a classroom but always avoided doing it myself.  And its writing I would never share or give to anyone but its been really effective to do.

We disengage to protect ourselves from vulnerability, shame, and feeling lost and without purpose. (2208)

We can’t give people what we don’t have. Who we are matters immeasurably more than what we know or who we want to be. (2214)

To reignite creativity, innovation, and learning, leaders must rehumanize education and work.(2286)

This is interesting because i know Amesbury have been talking about this as a concept,- rehumanising- and they seem to be moving to being the basic outline behind the concepts they teach for inquiry and every decision they make as a school. 

I’ve come to believe that a leader is anyone who holds her- or himself accountable for finding potential in people and processes. The term leader has nothing to do with position, status, or number of direct reports.(2296)

So as a leader how do you find peoples potential and develop that but hold everyone accountable to the same bottom lines? because if we don't we start getting division like we’re starting to get now, where people are resentful of others who they consider don’t think they have the same bottom line

What’s the most significant barrier to creativity and innovation?

it’s the fear of introducing an idea and being ridiculed, laughed at, and belittled. If you’re willing to subject yourself to that experience, and if you survive it, then it becomes the fear of failure and the fear of being wrong. People believe they’re only as good as their ideas and that their ideas can’t seem too ‘out there’ and they can’t ‘not know’ everything. The problem is that innovative ideas often sound crazy and failure and learning are part of revolution. Evolution and incremental change is important and we need it, but we’re desperate for real revolution and that requires a different type of courage and creativity.” (2300)

We need to set that classroom up so that this oesnt happen. And thats hard, because it happens for the kids out of school, its what they re use to. The set up and constant monitoring of this is really important. 

“There are times when you can ask questions or challenge ideas, but if you’ve got a teacher that doesn’t like that or the kids in the class make fun of people who do that, it’s bad. I think most of us learn that it’s best to just keep your head down, your mouth shut, and your grades high.” (2316)

As a teacher I felt heartbreak—we can’t learn when our heads are down and our mouths are shut.(2319)

No corporation or school can thrive in the absence of creativity, innovation, and learning, and the greatest threat to all three of these is disengagement.(2323)

This is what we need to understand and then actively work to prevent. how many of our disengaged kids are that way because of the way a previous teacher, or the way their parents, speak to them. And how do we counteract that in the classroom and re spark their natural curiosity and creativity. That stuff they have in abundance as pre schoolers.

To reignite creativity, innovation, and learning, leaders must rehumanize education and work.

“However seductive the machine metaphor may be for industrial production, human organizations are not actually mechanisms and people are not components in them. People have values and feelings, perceptions, opinions, motivations, and biographies, whereas cogs and sprockets do not. An organization is not the physical facilities within which it operates; it is the networks of people in it.”(2331)

Rehumanizing work and education requires courageous leadership. (2334)

But maybe it also requires a team or shared leadership. The courage is really hard when you are working by yourself.  Really keen to see what Finland mean when they talk about shared leadership models. 

And reinforces my belief that we need to appoint leaders who get people and get kids and get this stuff rather than people who have years of “teaching experience’ in a classroom that might not actually be worth that much.

Shame breeds fear. It crushes our tolerance for vulnerability, thereby killing engagement, innovation, creativity, productivity, and trust. (2338)

Blaming, gossiping, favoritism, name-calling, and harassment are all behavior cues that shame has permeated a culture. (2346)

Is there evidence of people in leadership roles bullying others, criticizing subordinates in front of colleagues, delivering public reprimands, or setting up reward systems that intentionally belittle, shame, or humiliate people? (2348)

I think I try hard not to do this in a classroom and Ive tried hard not to do it with staff too. But I know sometimes Ive been coerced into it by the ‘brigade’ that want to see their colleagues called on their lack of accountability. Need a way of letting people know things are being dealt with but they don't necessarily see that.

85 percent of the men and women we interviewed for the shame research could recall a school incident from their childhood that was so shaming, it changed how they thought of themselves as learners.  (2353)

approximately half of those recollections were what I refer to as creativity scars. (2354)

I love singing, but I know I cant sing in tune very well. Choir teacher at Intermediate said  I had to either leave the choir or sing with my mouth open or make no noise. I came from a school with 30 kids in it, to an Intermediate of 800. Being in the choir was a way of belonging and all that teacher did was shame and embarrass me and make me forever scared of singing in public, without a drink, which says something Im sure!

Shame can only rise so far in any system before people disengage to protect themselves. When we’re disengaged, we don’t show up, we don’t contribute, and we stop caring. (2391)

“For me, teaching is about love. It is not about transferring information, but rather creating an atmosphere of mystery and imagination and discovery. (2414)

Speaks for itself really. its what its all about.

Teachers are not the only ones who wrestle with shame delivered (usually in the public media) from outside of the organization. I’m often asked to address this issue when I’m speaking with professionals who are routinely vilified, disliked, or misunderstood by the public—lawyers, dentists, and folks from the financial industry are a few. (2417)

As leaders, the most effective thing we can do when this kind of media abuse is happening is speak out, insist on accuracy and accountability, and confront it head on with the people affected (2421)

“After all, if someone must be to blame and it’s not me, it must be you! From blame comes shame. And then hurt, denial, anger, and retaliation.” (2429)

Blame is simply the discharging of pain and discomfort. We blame when we’re uncomfortable and experience pain—when we’re vulnerable, angry, hurt, in shame, grieving. (2430)

There’s nothing productive about blame, and it often involves shaming someone or just being mean. (2431)

In an organizational culture where respect and the dignity of individuals are held as the highest values, shame and blame don’t work as management styles. (2438)

Same concept as in the classroom. Shame and blame don’t work with kids, they are not going to work with adults either.

A daring greatly culture is a culture of honest, constructive, and engaged feedback. (2452)

Without feedback there can be no transformative change. When we don’t talk to the people we’re leading about their strengths and their opportunities for growth, they begin to question their contributions and our commitment. Disengagement follows. (2457)

We just need to learn how to give feedback in a way that inspires growth and engagement. (2464)

feedback thrives in cultures where the goal is not “getting comfortable with hard conversations” but normalizing discomfort (2465)

“We believe growth and learning are uncomfortable so it’s going to happen here—you’re going to feel you’re comfortable, I’m not teaching and you’re not learning. It’s going to get uncomfortable in here and that’s okay. (2473)

One effective method for understanding our strengths is to examine the relationship between strengths and limitations. If we look at what we do best as well as what we want to change the most, we will often find that the two are varying degrees of the same core behavior. (2484)

Vulnerability is at the heart of the feedback process. (2503)

It’s easy to assume that the feedback process only feels vulnerable for the person receiving the feedback, but that’s not true. Honest engagement around expectations and behavior is always fraught with uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure for everyone involved. (2507)

I know I’m ready to give feedback when: I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you; I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (or sliding it toward you); I’m ready to listen, ask questions, and accept that I may not fully understand the issue; I want to acknowledge what you do well instead of picking apart your mistakes; I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges; I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming you; I’m willing to own my part; I can genuinely thank you for your efforts rather than criticize you for your failings; I can talk about how resolving these challenges will lead to your growth and opportunity; and I can model the vulnerability and openness that I expect to see from you. (2545)

“Thank you for your contributions. Here’s how you’re making a difference. This issue is getting in the way of your growth, and I think we can tackle it together. What ideas do you have about moving forward? What role do you think I’m playing in the problem? What can I do differently to support you?” (2557)

don’t know a single person who can be open to accepting feedback or owning responsibility for something when they’re being hammered. Our hardwiring takes over and we self-protect. (2586)

So many implications here for appraisals and professional learning and personal growth. Definitely needs to be personalised. If a one size fits all approach doesn't work in our classrooms, why will it well in last three years. its one of the things thats fallen off the bottom of the pile a bit. I've already said I want ‘coaching’ weekly sessions with all team leaders next year. maybe I need to be getting team leaders to also do the same with teachers?

Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us, Seth Godin writes, “Leadership is scarce because few people are willing to go through the discomfort required to lead. This scarcity makes leadership valuable. … It’s uncomfortable to stand up in front of strangers. It’s uncomfortable to propose an idea that might fail. It’s uncomfortable to challenge the status quo. It’s uncomfortable to resist the urge to settle. When you identify the discomfort, you’ve found the place where a leader is needed. If you’re not uncomfortable in your work as a leader, it’s almost certain you’re not reaching your potential as a leader.” (2662)

Maybe I have done an okay job the last three years, because Ive been uncomfortable for a fair deal of it, out of my depth and having to have uncomfortable conversations with parents, and with kids. 

But I also feel I haven't been made feel uncomfortable enough by my leadership team. Everything I do and say has been accepted, usually without question and thats not a way for a team to work. 

I guess its one of the potential dangers of having a young and inexperienced leadership team. And it is the way some principals work. My leadership team at Hataitai questioned me all the tim, but then when they tried to do that with the new Principal some of them were threatened with all kinds of things because it was seen that their first job a a leader was to absolutely support without question everything the Principal said.

Its why I have liked working with Jono so much this year, because he says it straight up when he doesn't agree or when he thinks Ive gone off completely the wrong tangent on something. Thats so much more healthy if you are trying to co-develop something.  here are times its made me uncomfortable because I knew I didn’t have the right answer, and thats a good thing. it takes the power of being a ‘boss’ out of the equation. And thats really important if you are going to work a a team in a  classroom or in leadership.

The Daring Greatly Leadership Manifesto To the CEOs and teachers. 

To the principals and the managers. 

To the politicians, community leaders, and decision-makers: 

We want to show up, we want to learn, and we want to inspire. We are hardwired for connection, curiosity, and engagement. We crave purpose, and we have a deep desire to create and contribute. We want to take risks, embrace our vulnerabilities, and be courageous. When learning and working are dehumanized—when you no longer see us and no longer encourage our daring, or when you only see what we produce or how we perform—we disengage and turn away from the very things that the world needs from us: our talent, our ideas, and our passion. What we ask is that you engage with us, show up beside us, and learn from us. Feedback is a function of respect; when you don’t have honest conversations with us about our strengths and our opportunities for growth, we question our contributions and your commitment. Above all else, we ask that you show up, let yourself be seen, and be courageous. Dare Greatly with us. (2679)

I’ve got a PDF of this charter. I’m going to put it up in the office next year.

Vulnerability lies at the center of the family story. It defines our moments of greatest joy, fear, sorrow, shame, disappointment, love, belonging, gratitude, creativity, and everyday wonder. (2726)

Look at how much of this ties in with the learning muscles we’ve identified as vital for our kids next year.

If Wholeheartedness is the goal, then above all else we should strive to raise children who: Engage with the world from a place of worthiness Embrace their vulnerabilities and imperfections Feel a deep sense of love and compassion for themselves and others Value hard work, perseverance, and respect

Carry a sense of authenticity and belonging with them, rather than searching for it in external places Have the courage to be imperfect, vulnerable, and creative Don’t fear feeling ashamed or unlovable if they are different or if they are struggling Move through our rapidly changing world with courage and a resilient spirit (2736)

if we want our children to love and accept who they are, our job is to love and accept who we are. We can’t use fear, shame, blame, and judgment in our own lives if we want to raise courageous children. (2747)

Compassion and connection—the very things that give purpose and meaning to our lives—can only be learned if they are experienced. (2748)

Are we teaching our girls to respect boys as tender and loving beings? Are we sending messages to our sons that we expect them to be emotionally stoic, to put money and status first, and to be aggressive? Are we teaching our sons to respect women and girls as smart and capable people, not objects? (2779)

I think theres lots of scope for modelling some of this through team teaching approaches too, where adults are constantly modelling some of this with each other and to kids and the kids see that and pick up on it. 

Shame is so painful for children because it is inextricably linked to the fear of being unlovable. (2828)

For young children who are still dependent on their parents forR

survival—for food, shelter, and safety—feeling unlovable is a threat to survival. It’s trauma. I’m convinced that the reason most of us revert back to feeling childlike and small when we’re in shame is because our brain stores our early shame experiences as trauma, and when it’s triggered we return to that place. (2829)

childhood experiences of shame change who we are, how we think about ourselves, and our sense of self-worth. (2838)

If you think about this, it explains the retaliation and behaviours of some of our kids when teachers put them into these positions. So many links to restorative practices here.

belonging as the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.

fitting in and belonging are not the same thing. In fact, fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are. (2908)

Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other. Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else. I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in. (2913)

Would be a good start of the year activity to get kids to articulate the difference between belonging and fitting in and figuring out what they have to do to allow everyone the feeling of belonging....much better than they typical class charter or rules at the belonging of the year.

If we want to cultivate worthiness in our children, we need to make sure they know that they belong and that their belonging is unconditional. (2927)

So this has real implications for restorative practices and any use of stand down and suspensions. Its always been a quandary to me that Scott is really active and strong on restorative practices most of the time, but its also been him pushing most suspensions and stand downs that have occurred, sometimes it might be because of a blind spot about particular kid/kids, or just a frustration of not knowing what else to do? But I think we need to have a serious discussion about what role, if any, stand downs and suspensions should play with us going forward.

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” (2941)

What do parents experience as the most vulnerable and bravest thing that they do in their efforts to raise Wholehearted children?  (2993)

letting their children struggle and experience adversity. (2995)

children are not learning how to handle adversity or disappointment because we’re always rescuing and protecting them. (2996)

Probably the most important thing we can do. I think our kids have already learnt to stop before they meet adversity. They don't let themselves be vulnerable to it. Our job is to re create an environment so that they can let themselves be vulnerable, that they are willing to experience discomfort in the learning process, and in the growing up process, that they are able to cope with adversity.

hope happens when: We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go). We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative routes (I know how to get there, I’m persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment and try again). We believe in ourselves (I can do this!). (3012)

hope is a combination of setting goals, having the tenacity and perseverance to pursue them, and believing in our own abilities. (3016)

Raising children who are hopeful and who have the courage to be vulnerable means stepping back and letting them experience disappointment, deal with conflict, learn how to assert themselves, and have the opportunity to fail. (3021)

Again, reinforcement of the importance of setting goals and figuring out how to achieve goals and reflecting on them. 

Parenting Manifesto 

Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions—the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself. I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections. 

We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. 

We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both. We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices. You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.

I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude. I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable. When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life. Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it. We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here. As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly. 

I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.  (3078)

We know some of our kids might not get this from their parents. How much of it can we give them in a classroom? And make it good enough that it is at least as important as the other messages they get?

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly. … —Theodore Roosevelt (3095)

Daring greatly is not about winning or losing. It’s about courage. (3113)

Caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar. 

Traveler, there is no path, the path must be forged as you walk. (3121)

We are breaking new ground in our classrooms. We all need to keep each other honest to that. 

We need to keep being courageous. 

We need to accept we will stumble and fall, we will make mistakes, but we can also achieve some awesome things for these kids. 

We can help them steer the course of their lives in new and awesome and great ways.

We need to let  these kids experience vulnerability. And to really allow that, we have to show vulnerability ourselves. 

And we need to actively search for and shut down blame, and guilt, and shame as tools in our school. 

We need to dare to go new places and do great things.